If It Can Happen to Me, It Can Happen to You

I want to talk about something more serious today.

Verbal and emotional abuse.

And before I go any further, I think we need to be careful with that word.

Not every argument is abuse.

Not every angry text is abuse.

Someone disagreeing with us is not abuse.

Someone telling us that we hurt them is not abuse.

And someone setting a boundary we don’t like is certainly not abuse.

Relationships are complicated. People get angry. People misunderstand each other. People say things they regret.

But there is a point where conflict can become something else.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes emotional abuse as nonphysical behaviors used to control, isolate or frighten another person. Those behaviors can include manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, excessive jealousy, insults, constant monitoring and attempts to separate someone from people who support them.

And sometimes it happens one sentence at a time.

Isolation Doesn't Always Look Like Isolation

Rarely does someone say:

“You can't be friends with her.”

Instead, it sounds like:

    “You should know what she says about you.”

        “I’m the only one who defended you.”

            “You have no idea what people really think about you.”

                “Eventually you'll see who your real friends are.”

Think about what happens next.

You begin looking at people differently.

An innocent comment suddenly feels suspicious.

A short text seems unfriendly.

You start wondering what conversations are happening when you aren't there.

And eventually you may pull away from people without anyone ever explicitly telling you to.

Isolation can happen emotionally long before it happens physically.

Then Comes the Erosion of Self

You’re selfish.

    You’re cruel.

        You’ve changed.

            You don't care about anyone but yourself.

                You always make everything about you.

                    You abandoned me.

Repeated criticism can do something incredibly damaging.

Instead of evaluating a particular behavior, you begin evaluating your entire character.

The question changes from:

“Did I handle that situation well?”

to:

“Am I a bad person?”

Those are very different questions.

Healthy accountability addresses behavior.

    “You said something that hurt me.”

        “I felt dismissed when that happened.”

            “I wish you had handled that differently.”

Those statements leave room for conversation.

Character attacks don't.

And Then You Start Defending Yourself

This may be one of the most exhausting parts.

You explain what you meant.

You clarify what happened.

You apologize for anything you legitimately did wrong.

You reassure the person.

You try again.

But somehow the conversation never reaches resolution.

Your explanation becomes another argument.

Your boundary becomes another offense.

Your request for space becomes proof that you don't care.

Your decision not to engage becomes another accusation against your character.

Eventually you realize something:

You aren't having a conversation anymore.

You are defending yourself in a trial that never adjourns.

Boundaries Are Where We Learn A Lot

A healthy person may not like your boundary.

They may be disappointed.

They may disagree with it.

They may even be hurt by it.

But ultimately, healthy relationships require respect for another person's autonomy.

“I don't want to discuss this anymore.”

“I need some space.”

“Please stop texting me about this.”

“No.”

Those are complete boundaries.

A boundary doesn't require the other person's agreement in order to exist.

And repeatedly trying to break someone's boundary through guilt, accusations, relentless messaging or emotional pressure doesn't become acceptable simply because the person doing it is hurting.

Pain deserves compassion.

Pain does not give any of us permission to hurt someone else.

There Is Another Piece We Don't Talk About Enough

Sometimes we participate in our own isolation without realizing it.

Someone tells us terrible things another person supposedly said about us.

    We believe them.

        We begin seeing that person through somebody else's eyes.

            We withdraw.

                Maybe we become angry.

                    Maybe we damage a relationship that had never actually harmed us.

This is why I have become increasingly cautious about allowing someone else's relationship with another person to become my relationship with that person.

I want to form my own opinions.

Have my own conversations.

And judge people by how they actually treat me.

Because “I'm just telling you what everyone is saying” isn't always protection.

Sometimes it is manipulation.

If You Recognize Yourself in This

Don't diagnose the other person from a social media post.

Don't diagnose yourself either.

Look at the pattern.

• Are you increasingly questioning your own judgment?
• Are you constantly defending your character?
• Are you being told that other people don't like you, can't be trusted or are talking about you?
• Do you feel guilty whenever you say no?
• Does asking for space result in more messages, accusations or pressure?
• Have you pulled away from people you once trusted?
• Do you find yourself carefully choosing every word because you're afraid of what reaction it might cause?

Those questions are worth paying attention to.

And if you're thinking, “But this person really is hurting,” two things can be true at the same time.

Their pain can be real.

And the way they are treating you can still be unacceptable.

Compassion does not require surrendering your boundaries.

Forgiveness does not require continued access.

And understanding why someone behaves a certain way does not require you to continue receiving the behavior.

If You Need Support

You do not have to decide whether your experience officially “qualifies” as abuse before asking someone for help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support, information and safety planning. You can call 800 799 SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or connect with an advocate online.
National Domestic Violence Hotline

For younger people and those concerned about dating relationships, love is respect provides information about emotional and verbal abuse, healthy relationships and warning signs.
love is respect

If you are experiencing significant emotional distress or simply need someone to talk to, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24 hours a day. You do not have to be suicidal to contact 988. Call or text 988 or use online chat.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

And if you are in immediate danger, call 911.

One Final Thought

Words don't leave bruises we can photograph.

But that doesn't mean they don't leave marks.

Pay attention to relationships that make you smaller.

Pay attention when you find yourself becoming isolated.

Pay attention when you spend more time defending who you are than simply being who you are.

And pay attention when someone refuses to hear the word no.

We can be compassionate.

We can forgive.

We can wish someone healing.

And we can still say:

You may not speak to me this way anymore.

Thursday Thought

Sometimes protecting your peace isn't about proving someone else is wrong.

It's finally deciding that you no longer need their permission to walk away.

Until next time, keep leading with strength and living with purpose.

srt