Teach Someone Something this Week

Think about that for a minute.

We spend a lot of our careers trying to become the person everyone needs.

The person who knows the system.

    The person who can fix the problem.

        The person everyone calls when something goes wrong.

And that feels good.

    It feels like job security.

        It feels like value.

            It feels like success.

                Until you realize something:

If you're the only person who knows how to do your job, you've given your organization a very good reason to keep you doing it.

Want to grow?

Start making yourself replaceable.

1. Train someone.
2. Document what you know.
3. Share the shortcuts you've learned.
4. Create processes that don't depend on you being in the room.
5. Stop protecting knowledge as though sharing it somehow makes you less valuable.
6. Then start demonstrating that you're capable of contributing at the next level.

Because leadership isn't proving the organization can't survive without you.

Leadership is building people and systems that can.

Here's your Monday challenge:

Teach someone something this week that only you currently know.

Write down a process that's been living in your head.

Give someone else an opportunity you've been holding onto.

Then use the space you've created to start learning what's next.

Be valuable.

Be generous with what you know.

But don't make yourself impossible to replace.

Because sometimes the best way to show you're ready for the next opportunity is to prove someone else is ready for yours.

Have a great Monday. Go develop somebody. 💪

-srt

#MondayMotivation #CareerGrowth #Leadership #ProfessionalDevelopment #WorkplaceWisdom #ReaCoachingandConsulting

Not Everything Needs to be Shared Real Time

Pour the coffee. I've been thinking about why we have such a hard time keeping good news to ourselves.

A recruiter messages you.

And before you've even responded, you've told someone at work.

You get an interview.

Now three coworkers know.

Your boss says something that sounds like a promotion might be coming.

By lunch, your work friends know what the new title might be, what you hope the salary will be, and when you think it's going to happen.

Why do we do that?

I don't think it's always because we're careless.

Sometimes we're excited.

Sometimes we want validation.

Sometimes saying something out loud makes the possibility feel more real.

And sometimes we've blurred the line between coworkers and confidants.

That's worth thinking about.

Because you can genuinely like the people you work with and still recognize that they don't need access to every part of your career.

Privacy isn't secrecy.

It's a boundary.

There's a difference.

Secrecy says, “I'm hiding something.”

Privacy says, “This isn't ready to be shared yet.”

And I think we've lost some appreciation for that distinction.

Not every opportunity becomes an offer.

Not every interview becomes a job.

Not every conversation about advancement becomes a promotion.

Not every exciting possibility becomes reality.

And when we announce possibilities too early, something interesting happens:

We create an audience for an outcome that hasn't happened yet.

Now people are asking:

“How did the interview go?”

“Did you hear back?”

“When are you leaving?”

“Did you get the promotion?”

“What happened with that recruiter?”

And suddenly something that could have been yours to quietly process has become something you have to explain.

Sometimes repeatedly.

There's another side to this too.

The moment you share information, you lose control of where it goes.

You may tell one trusted coworker.

That coworker tells another person because they trust them.

That person mentions it to someone else.

And eventually your boss hears:

“I heard you're interviewing.”

Now imagine that the opportunity goes nowhere.

You weren't planning to leave.

You were simply curious enough to have a conversation.

But your employer doesn't necessarily know that.

That's where I take another sip and remind myself:

Not everything needs to be shared in real time.

There's something powerful about allowing an opportunity to develop privately.

Take the recruiter call.

    Explore the possibility.

        Go to the interview.

            Ask the questions.

                Consider the promotion.

                    Negotiate the salary.

                        Make the decision.

And while you're doing all of that, resist the feeling that everyone needs a play-by-play.

Because here's the deeper lesson:

Your career is allowed to have a private life.

You can have work friends without giving them unrestricted access to your professional plans.

You can trust someone and still have boundaries.

You can be excited and still wait.

You can pursue an opportunity without announcing it.

And you can make a decision before asking ten people what they think you should do.

That last one might be the most important.

Sometimes when we tell too many people about an opportunity, their voices get louder than our own.

“You can't leave now.”

“You HAVE to take that job.”

“I'd never work there.”

“You deserve more money.”

“Your boss is going to be furious.”

“You'd be crazy not to do it.”

And before long, we're no longer asking:

What do I want?

We're managing everyone else's opinions about what we should want.

Some decisions need room to breathe.

Some opportunities need time to become real.

And some dreams need a little protection before they're strong enough to withstand everybody else's commentary.

☕️ So here's my Thursday Thought:

Stop feeling obligated to announce things while they're still becoming.

You don't need to tell everyone about the recruiter.

You don't need to announce the interview.

You don't need to predict the promotion.

You don't need to explain the opportunity you're considering.

Have one or two trusted people in your life? Absolutely.

But choose them carefully.

And remember:

Coworker and confidant are not automatically the same job description.

Sometimes the strongest career move isn't saying more.

It's quietly doing the work.

Let the interview happen.

Let the offer arrive.

Let the decision become yours.

And when there's actually something to announce?

Then pour another cup of coffee and tell the story. ☕️

Until then, it's okay to let what's next belong only to you.

Happy Thursday all,

-srt

#ThursdayThoughts #CoffeeAndConversation #CareerGrowth #Leadership #ProfessionalDevelopment #WorkplaceWisdom

Not Everything You're Working Toward Needs to be Announced

The recruiter who reached out.

    The interview you have next week.

        The promotion you think might be coming.

            The opportunity you're exploring.

                The conversation that could turn into something.

Sometimes the best career move is simply to keep working and let things develop.

We get excited. We want to tell someone. And there's nothing wrong with having a trusted person in your corner.

But your entire workplace doesn't need a live feed of your career strategy.

There is power in moving quietly.

There is wisdom in waiting until something is real before making it public.

And there is freedom in realizing that you don't owe everyone an update on what might happen next.

This week, focus less on announcing what you're going to do and more on doing it.

    Prepare for the interview.

        Have the conversation.

            Negotiate the opportunity.

                Earn the promotion.

                    Make the decision.

Then share the news when there's actually news to share.

Your Monday reminder:

Move quietly. Work intentionally. Let the results make the announcement.

Happy Monday lovelies,

-srt

#MondayMotivation #CareerGrowth #Leadership #ProfessionalDevelopment #WorkplaceWisdom

Be Careful When Someone Asks You to Dislike a Person

I’ve been thinking about this one lately.

And it’s a touchy one.

Probably because I’ve experienced it.

I’ve watched it happen.

And, if I’m being completely transparent, I’ve participated in it a time or two myself.

I’m not proud of that. But I’m wiser now…and I see it differently.

Workplace or nonprofit politics rarely arrive with an invitation that says, “Would you like to participate in some unnecessary drama?”

They arrive disguised as friendship.

    “Just so you know…”

        “I just need to vent, you don’t mind do you?”

            “You’ll figure her out eventually…”

And before we know it, someone else’s experience quietly becomes our opinion.

I’ve done this.

Someone I trusted told me about their experience with another person…and without even realizing it, I started looking at that person differently.

    Normal interactions suddenly seemed suspicious.

        A short email felt rude.

            A disagreement felt personal.

I started noticing things that supported the story I had already been told.

But here’s the question I wish I had asked sooner:

What if their relationship with that person has absolutely nothing to do with mine?

That’s a bigger leadership lesson than it might appear.

Because it takes very little courage to join a side.

Belonging feels good.

And when someone we like doesn’t like someone else, agreeing with them can almost feel like loyalty.

I understand that.

But I’ve learned that loyalty shouldn’t require surrendering my own judgment.

I can believe that someone I care about had a difficult experience without deciding the other person must now become my enemy.

Both things can be true:

“I believe you.”

And…

“I’m going to allow my own relationship with that person to develop independently.”

I think that’s emotional maturity.

And I think it’s especially important for leaders.

Imagine becoming a manager and inheriting a team where everyone has already told you who the “difficult employee” is.

Do you accept the label?

Or do you get curious?

Imagine hearing that another department is impossible to work with.

Do you repeat the story?

Or do you walk across the organizational aisle and build a relationship yourself?

Imagine someone you’ve trusted for years telling you that another colleague can’t be trusted.

Do you automatically accept the verdict?

Or do you remember that every relationship has its own history…and you weren’t there for all of it?

Great leaders don’t outsource their judgment.

    They listen.

        They observe.

            They ask questions.

                And then they make up their own minds.

I’ve also learned something else along the way…

Today’s organizational chart is not tomorrow’s organizational chart.

The colleague everyone complains about may become a department head.

The employee being left out of conversations may become your biggest advocate.

The person nobody thinks has influence may quietly become one of the most influential people in the organization.

And yes…the person your work friend considers an enemy today could eventually become your boss.

But the older and wiser I get, the less I think this is about protecting your career.

It’s about protecting your character.

That’s the part that matters most to me now.

Who do I want to be when gossip starts?

Who am I when someone I trust hands me information that could change how I see another human being?

Do I carry it?

Add to it?

Pass it along?

Do I start treating someone differently because of a conflict that wasn’t even mine?

Or can I listen with compassion without becoming another soldier in a battle that was never mine?

There is enormous freedom in being able to say:

I don’t need an enemy just because you have one.

I wish I had understood that sooner.

And to be clear, this does NOT mean ignoring harassment, discrimination, unethical behavior, bullying, or legitimate workplace concerns. Those things should be taken seriously and handled appropriately.

I’m talking about the everyday stuff.

    Grudges.

        Personality conflicts.

            Old disagreements.

                Bruised egos.

                    Political alliances.

The things that can quietly consume workplaces and nonprofits if we let them.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to participate.

I can be kind without choosing sides.

I can disagree with someone without campaigning against them.

I can support a friend without inheriting their resentment.

And I can walk into every professional relationship willing to discover who that person is with me.

Maybe one of the most underrated signs of maturity at work is realizing this:

Nobody else gets to decide who I respect, who I speak to, or who I’m willing to understand.

Listen.

Pay attention.

Use your judgment.

Then build your own relationships.

Because other people’s politics don’t have to become yours.

I know I haven’t always gotten this right.

But I know better now.

And one of the questions I try to come back to is this:

Before I inherit someone else’s opinion of a person…what has my own experience actually shown me?

Sometimes the answer tells me everything I need to know.

Happy Thursday all,

srt

#ThursdayThoughts #Leadership #WorkplaceCulture #EmotionalIntelligence #ProfessionalDevelopment #LeadershipDevelopment #ReaCoachingandConsulting

You Don’t Have to Inherit Someone Else’s Workplace Politics.

It happens so easily.

A coworker you trust doesn’t like someone, and suddenly you start seeing that person through their eyes.

You hear the stories.
You learn the history.
And before you’ve had a negative experience of your own, you’ve picked a side.

This week, challenge yourself to do something different:

Form your own opinions. Build your own relationships.

You can support a coworker without adopting their grudges.

You can listen without joining the gossip.

You can be kind to two people who don’t particularly like each other.

That isn’t disloyalty.

That’s professionalism.

Because organizations change. Relationships change. People change.

And the person someone tells you to avoid today could be the person you need to collaborate with tomorrow.

Go into this week with a clean slate.

Be friendly. Stay neutral. Keep working.

Your career doesn’t need someone else’s baggage.

Happy Monday lovelies.  

Until Thursday, remember to lead with strength and live with purpose.

-srt

#MondayMotivation #Leadership #WorkplaceCulture #ProfessionalGrowth #CareerAdvice #ReaCoachingandConsulting

The Stories We Can't Control

I've been thinking about our conversation on Monday.

And then I came across a quote online by Scott D. Clary that stopped me in my tracks.

I felt it with every ounce of my being.

"Every person you interact with is carrying a version of you in their head that you have zero control over..."

I don't know about you, but that was both incredibly freeing...and a little unsettling.

If I'm honest, I've spent more time than I'd like to admit replaying conversations.

    Did I say the right thing?

        Did I come across the way I intended?

            Could I have handled that differently?

Maybe you've been there too.

The older I get, the more I realize that none of us are remembered exactly as we are.

        We're remembered through moments.

            Someone remembers your kindness.

                Someone remembers the day you challenged them.

                    Someone remembers a conversation that changed their life.

                        Someone else remembers a moment you barely remember at all.

None of them hold the complete picture.

And maybe they never will.

As leaders, parents, friends, and coworkers, we can spend so much energy trying to manage perceptions.

But peace begins when we accept what we were never meant to control.

We can't rewrite every story.

We can't convince everyone they have the "right" version of us.

We can only choose who we become.

Grab your coffee

Before we finish our coffee together, I'd love for you to think about one question.

Whose perception of you are you carrying that was never yours to carry?

Don't rush to answer.

Just notice.

Sometimes the greatest freedom comes when we stop trying to manage someone else's story and start living our own with integrity.

This Week's Reminder

You can't control others' perceptions of you.

You can control your character.

Lead with strength.

Live with purpose.

Until next time...

-srt

#ThursdayThoughts #Leadership #Growth #LiveWithPurpose #ReaCoachingandConsulting #ThankyouScottDClary

The Only Version of You That Matters

This week, I found myself thinking about something that is both freeing and humbling.

Every person we meet carries a different version of us.

Some remember our kindness.
Some remember a mistake.
Some remember a conversation that changed their life.
Others remember a moment we don't even recall.

The truth is, we can't manage every perception, rewrite every story, or convince everyone they know the "real" us.

And maybe we're not supposed to.

I've learned that leadership isn't about controlling your reputation.

It's about stewarding your character.

Character is built in the quiet choices.

        Showing up with integrity.

            Treating people with respect.

                Owning your mistakes.

                    Extending grace.

                        Choosing kindness when no one is watching.

People will always interpret our words through the lens of their own experiences, hurts, expectations, and beliefs. That's simply part of being human.

This Week's Reminder

You can't control others' perceptions of you.

You can control your character.

So this week, let go of the exhausting pursuit of being understood by everyone.

Instead, become someone who consistently lives your values.

Happy Monday, friends.

Until next time, keep leading with strength and living with purpose.

-srt

#MotivationalMonday #Leadership #Growth #LiveWithPurpose #ReaCoachingandConsulting

When the Right Book Finds You

 I've been thinking about our conversation on Monday.

About the books.

Pour yourself another cup of coffee.

Let's talk for a minute.

This week I walked past my bookshelf looking for one specific title.

You know how that goes.

You reach for one book...

...and end up standing there reading the backs of six others.

I smiled because I realized something.

Most of those books have little sticky notes sticking out of them.

Highlighted pages.

Bent corners.

Coffee stains.

They're well-loved (whether or not Nicole agrees).

But not because I read them cover to cover in one sitting.

They're well-loved because they found me when I needed them.

Isn't that funny?

There are books I've owned for years that sat untouched on my shelf.

Then one day I picked one up...

...and it felt like the author had been waiting for me all along.

The words hadn't changed.

I had.

That's why I don't believe we simply choose books.

Sometimes books choose us.

As a coach, I see the same thing happen with people.

Someone recommends a book.

The person isn't interested.

Six months later they read the exact same book...

...and it changes everything.

Not because the book became better.

Because they became ready.

Life has a way of preparing us for certain lessons.

And when the timing is right...

Words we've skimmed before suddenly land differently.

A sentence becomes a mirror.

A chapter becomes permission.

A paragraph becomes hope.

I wonder if people are a little like that too.

Have you ever had a conversation that didn't seem particularly important at the time...

...only to remember it years later because suddenly it made perfect sense?

Maybe wisdom has seasons too.

Maybe we're not meant to understand everything the first time we hear it.

Maybe growth isn't just about learning something new.

Maybe it's becoming ready for truths that have been waiting for us all along.

Coffee Conversation

Before we finish our coffee together...

Can I leave you with one question?

What lesson have you been resisting...

...that you might finally be ready to receive?

Maybe the answer has been sitting on your bookshelf.

Or maybe it's been sitting quietly in your heart.

This Week's Reminder

The right words have a way of finding us when we're finally ready to hear them.

Until next time, keep leading with strength and living with purpose.

-srt

#ThursdayThoughts #Books #Leadership #PersonalGrowth #GrowthMindset #LiveWithPurpose #ReaCoachingAndConsulting

The Dandelion Effect: Silver Wishes Helps Seniors Feel Seen, Known and Valued

Stephanie Berger, Silver Wishes Co-Founder, and Stacy Rea Thomas coffee conversation

For Stephanie Berger, granting a wish has never been only about the person receiving it.

Before founding Silver Wishes, Berger served as a Wish Maker with Make-A-Wish. There, she learned that while a wish may begin with a child, its impact extends to the entire family. Parents, siblings, volunteers and others become part of an experience that creates joy and hope during difficult circumstances.

Berger also spent time delivering Meals on Wheels, where she encountered a different reality: some seniors feel invisible.

Those experiences stayed with her.

“I knew there were seniors in our community who didn't feel seen,” Berger said. “It is important that they know they are known and valued.”

Combined with Berger's passion for spreading kindness, those experiences eventually led to a question: Why should the power of a wish end with childhood?

In April 2021, Silver Wishes was born.

Today, the nonprofit has received 286 wish nominations and granted 180 wishes. Now, Silver Wishes is taking another significant step, expanding its reach into Citrus Heights, Orangevale, Fair Oaks and Carmichael.

And Berger is asking the community to help find the seniors who need them.

“We need eyes and ears in the community,” she said.

From Make-A-Wish to Silver Wishes

Berger's experience as a Wish Maker helped shape a philosophy that remains central to Silver Wishes today.

A wish has a primary recipient, but the experience doesn't stop there.

The child receiving a Make-A-Wish experience was at the center, but Berger saw how the child's family was affected, too. She saw what happened to the people who participated in creating the experience.

Years later, that lesson would become fundamental to Silver Wishes.

The organization grants wishes to seniors, but Berger believes the impact of a wish can travel far beyond the senior receiving it.

She calls it the Dandelion Effect.

Imagine blowing on a dandelion. One seed becomes many, carried outward and eventually landing somewhere new.

Berger sees kindness working the same way.

One act touches a senior. But it also touches the volunteer who helps make the wish happen, the business that donates a product or service, the donor who provides financial support, the senior's family, neighbors and others who witness the experience.

Then those people have the opportunity to spread kindness again.

“The ripple effect is real,” Berger said. “It doesn't stop with the senior. It touches the volunteers, the businesses, the donors and the families.”

In fact, one of the biggest surprises for Berger has been discovering what Silver Wishes gives back to her.

“I didn't expect the level of joy I am receiving,” she said. “When I see the ripple effect, it is real and it is happening.”

Sometimes a Wish Is a Basic Necessity

The word wish can conjure images of dream vacations and once-in-a-lifetime bucket-list experiences.

That's not necessarily what Berger and the Silver Wishes board encounter.

After hundreds of nominations, a pattern has emerged: many seniors aren't asking for extravagant experiences.

They're asking for basic things.

Some are financially strapped. Something many people would consider an ordinary household expense or necessity can be beyond the senior's means.

That discovery has helped Berger better understand the population Silver Wishes serves.

The wish may be practical, but its impact can be profound.

Something that improves mobility can restore independence. Something that makes a home more comfortable can allow a senior to live with greater dignity. A relatively simple need being met can relieve a burden that has weighed on someone for months or years.

Silver Wishes isn't simply asking, What would you like?

It is asking what difference granting that wish could make in the senior's life.

How a Silver Wish Is Granted

The process starts with the community.

A senior can nominate themselves for a wish. A friend can nominate someone. So can a neighbor, family member or another community member who sees a senior with a need.

The nominations then go before Silver Wishes' eight-member board, which reviews them monthly.

The first consideration is whether the senior and the request meet the organization's wish criteria.

Among those criteria, the senior must be cognitively aware that they are receiving the granted wish.

That requirement reflects an important aspect of Silver Wishes' philosophy: the senior isn't simply the beneficiary of an anonymous charitable transaction. The experience of knowing that someone noticed, someone cared and someone wanted to do something specifically for them is part of the wish itself.

The board also evaluates the potential impact of the request before deciding which wishes to grant.

To date, the community has submitted 286 nominations, and Silver Wishes has granted 180 wishes.

Behind each number is a person.

And behind each nomination is another person who first noticed.

Learning to Build a Nonprofit

Silver Wishes was founded in April 2021 by Berger and co-founder Cyndi Dolan, who is no longer involved with the organization.

For Berger, starting Silver Wishes also meant learning what it takes to build and operate a nonprofit organization.

In November 2021, she joined the board of the Lincoln Community Foundation in part because she wanted to understand the inner workings of a nonprofit, including the important compliance responsibilities that happen behind the scenes.

There was a natural connection between the work, too.

The Lincoln Community Foundation awards grants to support organizations and needs in the community. Berger saw a parallel between evaluating grants and evaluating wishes: resources are limited, needs are plentiful, and thoughtful decisions have to be made about where those resources can create meaningful impact.

That education helped Berger develop not just as a Wish Maker, but as the leader of a growing nonprofit.

The Next Chapter

Five years after its founding, Silver Wishes is entering a new phase.

What began in Placer County is expanding.

Silver Wishes is now moving into Citrus Heights, Orangevale, Fair Oaks and Carmichael, creating the opportunity to reach seniors across a broader region.

But expanding into a community doesn't automatically mean Silver Wishes will find the seniors who need it.

That's why Berger is looking for more “eyes and ears in the community.”

A neighbor might notice that the senior next door is struggling.

A business owner might hear a customer's story.

A church member might recognize that someone in the congregation has a need.

A friend might know that a senior would never ask for help themselves.

A community volunteer might encounter someone who has quietly gone without something important because they simply cannot afford it.

Those people can become the connection between that senior and Silver Wishes.

And sometimes, the most important first step isn't granting the wish.

It's noticing the person.

A Community That Sees Its Seniors

That idea goes back to Berger's Meals on Wheels experience.

Some seniors feel invisible.

Silver Wishes wants them to know they aren't.

A wish can provide something tangible, but it can also deliver a much more fundamental message:

We see you.

We know you're here.

You matter.

You are valued.

And then the Dandelion Effect begins.

The senior receives an act of kindness. The volunteer experiences the joy of giving. A business discovers another way it can serve its community. A donor sees the human impact of a contribution. A family is touched by what happens to someone they love.

One act creates another.

Berger started Silver Wishes intending to bring hope and joy to seniors. What she didn't anticipate was how much joy she and others would receive in return.

That discovery may ultimately be one of the most powerful things about Silver Wishes.

Kindness isn't depleted when it's given away.

It multiplies.

Become Part of the Dandelion Effect

As Silver Wishes enters Citrus Heights, Orangevale, Fair Oaks and Carmichael, Berger's invitation to the community is simple: pay attention.

Look around.

Who is the senior in your neighborhood who might be struggling quietly?

Who has stopped doing something they love because they can't afford what they need?

Who might never nominate themselves?

Who needs to know that somebody sees them?

Be the eyes and ears that notice.

Nominate a senior. Volunteer. Support a wish. Introduce Silver Wishes to a business that might be able to help. Tell someone else about the organization.

And there is another opportunity to get involved: Silver Wishes will host Bingo on October 14.

Come play. Meet the people behind the organization. Learn about the wishes being granted and the seniors being served.

Most importantly, become part of what Berger calls the Dandelion Effect.

Because after 286 nominations and 180 wishes, Silver Wishes has learned that granting a wish isn't necessarily where the story ends.

Sometimes it's where the next act of kindness begins.

The Books That Meet Us Where We Are

Over the past few weeks, many of you have reached out after picking up The Let Them Theory, Wintering, or one of Brené Brown's books because of something I shared here.

First...thank you.

There are few things that bring me more joy than hearing someone found exactly the book they needed at exactly the right moment.

It reminded me of something I've come to believe.

Books have seasons.

There are books we read for information.

And then there are books that quietly walk beside us while we're becoming someone new.

As an executive coach, I've watched that happen over and over again.

Someone is navigating a career transition.

Retirement.

A broken relationship.

A leadership challenge.

A season of uncertainty.

And one book somehow gives them words for what they've been feeling all along.

If I had to recommend five books for someone navigating a significant life transition, these are the ones I return to again and again.

📚 The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

📚 Wintering by Katherine May

📚 Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud

📚 Grit by Angela Duckworth

📚 The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

As I looked at that list this week, I realized something.

These books don't just stand alone.

Together, they tell a story.

    They remind us to let go of what we cannot control.

        To honor seasons of rest.

            To release what no longer serves us.

                To keep showing up when life is hard.

And ultimately...

To become more fully who we were created to be.

Maybe that's why they've meant so much to me.

Because each one has met me in a different season of my own life.

And together, they've quietly shaped the person I'm still becoming.

This Week's Reminder

The best books don't simply change what you know. They change how you live.

I'd love to hear from you.

What book met you exactly where you were and quietly changed the way you see the world?

Happy Monday, friends.

Until next time, keep leading with strength and living with purpose.

-srt

#MotivationalMonday #Leadership #Books #PersonalGrowth #LiveWithPurpose #ReaCoachingandConsulting

If It Can Happen to Me, It Can Happen to You

I want to talk about something more serious today.

Verbal and emotional abuse.

And before I go any further, I think we need to be careful with that word.

Not every argument is abuse.

Not every angry text is abuse.

Someone disagreeing with us is not abuse.

Someone telling us that we hurt them is not abuse.

And someone setting a boundary we don’t like is certainly not abuse.

Relationships are complicated. People get angry. People misunderstand each other. People say things they regret.

But there is a point where conflict can become something else.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes emotional abuse as nonphysical behaviors used to control, isolate or frighten another person. Those behaviors can include manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, excessive jealousy, insults, constant monitoring and attempts to separate someone from people who support them.

And sometimes it happens one sentence at a time.

Isolation Doesn't Always Look Like Isolation

Rarely does someone say:

“You can't be friends with her.”

Instead, it sounds like:

    “You should know what she says about you.”

        “I’m the only one who defended you.”

            “You have no idea what people really think about you.”

                “Eventually you'll see who your real friends are.”

Think about what happens next.

You begin looking at people differently.

An innocent comment suddenly feels suspicious.

A short text seems unfriendly.

You start wondering what conversations are happening when you aren't there.

And eventually you may pull away from people without anyone ever explicitly telling you to.

Isolation can happen emotionally long before it happens physically.

Then Comes the Erosion of Self

You’re selfish.

    You’re cruel.

        You’ve changed.

            You don't care about anyone but yourself.

                You always make everything about you.

                    You abandoned me.

Repeated criticism can do something incredibly damaging.

Instead of evaluating a particular behavior, you begin evaluating your entire character.

The question changes from:

“Did I handle that situation well?”

to:

“Am I a bad person?”

Those are very different questions.

Healthy accountability addresses behavior.

    “You said something that hurt me.”

        “I felt dismissed when that happened.”

            “I wish you had handled that differently.”

Those statements leave room for conversation.

Character attacks don't.

And Then You Start Defending Yourself

This may be one of the most exhausting parts.

You explain what you meant.

You clarify what happened.

You apologize for anything you legitimately did wrong.

You reassure the person.

You try again.

But somehow the conversation never reaches resolution.

Your explanation becomes another argument.

Your boundary becomes another offense.

Your request for space becomes proof that you don't care.

Your decision not to engage becomes another accusation against your character.

Eventually you realize something:

You aren't having a conversation anymore.

You are defending yourself in a trial that never adjourns.

Boundaries Are Where We Learn A Lot

A healthy person may not like your boundary.

They may be disappointed.

They may disagree with it.

They may even be hurt by it.

But ultimately, healthy relationships require respect for another person's autonomy.

“I don't want to discuss this anymore.”

“I need some space.”

“Please stop texting me about this.”

“No.”

Those are complete boundaries.

A boundary doesn't require the other person's agreement in order to exist.

And repeatedly trying to break someone's boundary through guilt, accusations, relentless messaging or emotional pressure doesn't become acceptable simply because the person doing it is hurting.

Pain deserves compassion.

Pain does not give any of us permission to hurt someone else.

There Is Another Piece We Don't Talk About Enough

Sometimes we participate in our own isolation without realizing it.

Someone tells us terrible things another person supposedly said about us.

    We believe them.

        We begin seeing that person through somebody else's eyes.

            We withdraw.

                Maybe we become angry.

                    Maybe we damage a relationship that had never actually harmed us.

This is why I have become increasingly cautious about allowing someone else's relationship with another person to become my relationship with that person.

I want to form my own opinions.

Have my own conversations.

And judge people by how they actually treat me.

Because “I'm just telling you what everyone is saying” isn't always protection.

Sometimes it is manipulation.

If You Recognize Yourself in This

Don't diagnose the other person from a social media post.

Don't diagnose yourself either.

Look at the pattern.

• Are you increasingly questioning your own judgment?
• Are you constantly defending your character?
• Are you being told that other people don't like you, can't be trusted or are talking about you?
• Do you feel guilty whenever you say no?
• Does asking for space result in more messages, accusations or pressure?
• Have you pulled away from people you once trusted?
• Do you find yourself carefully choosing every word because you're afraid of what reaction it might cause?

Those questions are worth paying attention to.

And if you're thinking, “But this person really is hurting,” two things can be true at the same time.

Their pain can be real.

And the way they are treating you can still be unacceptable.

Compassion does not require surrendering your boundaries.

Forgiveness does not require continued access.

And understanding why someone behaves a certain way does not require you to continue receiving the behavior.

If You Need Support

You do not have to decide whether your experience officially “qualifies” as abuse before asking someone for help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support, information and safety planning. You can call 800 799 SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or connect with an advocate online.
National Domestic Violence Hotline

For younger people and those concerned about dating relationships, love is respect provides information about emotional and verbal abuse, healthy relationships and warning signs.
love is respect

If you are experiencing significant emotional distress or simply need someone to talk to, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24 hours a day. You do not have to be suicidal to contact 988. Call or text 988 or use online chat.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

And if you are in immediate danger, call 911.

One Final Thought

Words don't leave bruises we can photograph.

But that doesn't mean they don't leave marks.

Pay attention to relationships that make you smaller.

Pay attention when you find yourself becoming isolated.

Pay attention when you spend more time defending who you are than simply being who you are.

And pay attention when someone refuses to hear the word no.

We can be compassionate.

We can forgive.

We can wish someone healing.

And we can still say:

You may not speak to me this way anymore.

Thursday Thought

Sometimes protecting your peace isn't about proving someone else is wrong.

It's finally deciding that you no longer need their permission to walk away.

Until next time, keep leading with strength and living with purpose.

srt