Leadership isn’t proven in perfection ... it’s revealed in how we return to ourselves after we break.
And last Friday, I broke.
Not publicly in some dramatic explosion.
Not in a way that made headlines.
But internally, emotionally, spiritually I hit a wall.
What’s humbling is that just one day earlier, I had posted about leadership not being reactive.
Then exhaustion, criticism, emotional overload, and one difficult phone call collided at the exact wrong moment.
And suddenly the coach became the student again.
What this experience reminded me is that emotional intelligence is not about never reacting. It’s about learning how to recognize when you’ve emotionally left the room and finding your way back to yourself with honesty, accountability, and grace.
So how did I coach myself back to human?
Here are the tools that helped me.
1. I Stopped Trying to Be “The Strong One”
One of the coaching tools I constantly teach and had to remind myself of this week is the importance of self-awareness and energy management.
As an introvert, one of the most important things I can do is intentionally set aside time for me.
Quiet time.
Recovery time.
Processing time.
Rest.
But somewhere in the middle of all the leadership responsibilities, the fundraising events, the emotional labor, the networking, and the constant pouring into others… I stopped pouring back into myself.
One of the biggest lies leaders tell themselves is:
“I need to hold it together for everyone else.”
But eventually, emotional suppression becomes emotional exhaustion.
I had been carrying:
• conflict resolution
• organizational pressure
• community expectations
• nonstop events
• leadership visibility
• relationship management
• criticism
• emotional labor
And I never stopped long enough to ask:
“Am I okay?”
Coaching myself back to human started with honesty.
Not polished honesty.
Not leadership statement honesty.
Real honesty.
“I am overwhelmed.”
“I am exhausted.”
“I am hurt.”
“I do not have the emotional capacity I normally do.”
That awareness mattered.
Because you cannot regulate what you refuse to acknowledge.
2. I Remembered My Mom’s Rule
My mom has always said:
“When you’re exhausted, you need to rest. You don’t need to respond to the email. You don’t need to pick up the phone. What you need to do is rest.”
Whew.
That lesson hit differently this week.
Because exhaustion distorts perspective.
When we are depleted:
• criticism feels sharper
• conflict feels heavier
• emotions feel louder
• conversations feel more threatening than they are
And instead of resting, I reacted.
I answered emotionally when I should have paused spiritually.
One of the greatest coaching tools we can learn is this:
Not every emotion deserves immediate action.
Sometimes wisdom looks like silence.
Sometimes leadership looks like waiting.
Sometimes maturity looks like saying:
“I will revisit this conversation when I have rested.”
3. I Practiced Accountability Without Self Destruction
This part matters deeply to me.
I apologized to the people impacted by my emotional reaction.
Not because I’m weak.
Not because I’m taking ownership of everyone else’s behavior.
But because accountability is part of integrity.
I had to own the reality that my reaction became the catalyst for unnecessary confusion and emotional ripple effects.
But I also had to coach myself not to spiral into shame.
And there is a difference.
Healthy accountability says:
“I made a mistake.”
Toxic shame says:
“I am the mistake.”
Those are not the same thing.
As leaders, we have to learn how to take responsibility without emotionally crucifying ourselves in the process.
And you know what?
My beautiful friend sent me this message:
“Everything is good. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay and all of us have our moments. Let’s allow it to bring ourselves closer. Thank you for working it out for me. But I don’t feel like you need to apologize for having a human reaction.”
Wow.
Just typing those words makes me cry.
Why?
Because that was grace.
That was someone choosing compassion over condemnation.
That was someone loving me in the middle of my humanity instead of requiring perfection from me.
And honestly, I think that’s part of the lesson too.
Sometimes the people around us are far more willing to give us grace than we are willing to give ourselves.
As leaders, we often extend understanding to everyone except ourselves.
But healing begins when we finally believe we are worthy of the same compassion we so freely give away.
That moment reminded me that accountability and grace can exist together.
You can own your reaction and still deserve kindness.
You can apologize and still be loved.
You can have a hard moment and still be a good leader.
And maybe that’s what being human really is.
4. I Assumed Good Intentions
This was probably the hardest lesson.
Because when you feel hurt, exposed, or criticized, it’s easy to assign malicious intent to everyone involved.
But after sitting with the situation, I realized something important:
Not everyone who mishandles a moment is trying to harm you.
Sometimes people are simply imperfect humans trying to navigate difficult situations with limited tools.
The friend involved in my vulnerable conversation was not trying to betray me.
She was concerned.
She cared.
She was trying to seek guidance in a moment that felt heavy.
That realization softened me.
And honestly?
It healed something in me too.
One of the greatest emotional intelligence skills we can develop is learning to pause long enough to ask:
“Am I reacting to facts… or to fear?”
5. I Returned to My Identity
At the core of all of this was one final truth:
I had forgotten whose I am.
When criticism gets loud…
When exhaustion takes over…
When leadership pressure builds…
When emotions crack open…
It becomes very easy to root your identity in people’s opinions. For me, as a Christian, I needed to remember that I am rooted in God’s truth.
So, I had to come back to center.
I am not one emotional moment.
I am not whispers.
I am not gossip.
I am not exhaustion.
I am not failure.
I am a child of God.
Still growing.
Still learning.
Still healing.
Still leading.
Still human.
And maybe that’s the real lesson.
Leadership is not about becoming superhuman.
It’s about learning how to stay human without losing yourself in the process.
Reflection Questions for Leaders
• Where am I emotionally exhausted but pretending I’m okay?
• Have I confused leadership with emotional self-sacrifice?
• Am I reacting from truth or from depletion?
• What conversations need rest before response?
• Where do I need accountability instead of shame?
• Have I assumed malicious intent where there may only be misunderstanding?
• What practices help me return to myself?
Final Reminder
Leadership isn’t proven in perfection. It’s revealed in how we return to ourselves after we break.
Happy Thursday lovely leaders,
-srt
Tools Referenced in This Coaching Reflection
Emotional Intelligence
• Self awareness
• Emotional regulation
• Reflective processing
• Accountability practices
• Perspective taking
• Assuming good intentions
Leadership Coaching Tools
• Pause before response
• Rest as a leadership strategy
• Identity grounding
• Conflict reflection
• Self coaching questions
• Repair conversations
• Ownership without shame
Personal Leadership Practices
• Quiet time for introverts
• Emotional capacity awareness
• Boundary recognition
• Spiritual grounding
• Rest and recovery
• Journaling and reflection
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