Let’s talk about one of the most disorienting and emotionally exhausting experiences, working or volunteering with someone who clearly doesn’t like you, yet wears a mask of kindness in front of everyone else.
They smile sweetly in meetings, laugh with the team, and project warmth to the world. But behind closed doors? Passive-aggressive comments. Cold shoulders. Undermining. Maybe even manipulation.
It’s like dealing with two different people: publicly perfect, privately punishing. And it can make you question your sanity, your worth, and your sense of belonging.
So, whether this person is in your office or on your nonprofit board, how do you survive? Here's how.
1. Validate Your Experience (You're Not Imagining It)
The first step is simple but powerful: trust yourself.
People like this often gaslight by omission. Because they're so charming to others, no one believes they could act the way they do behind closed doors. This can make you second-guess yourself:
“Maybe it’s not that bad.”
“Maybe I’m too sensitive.”
You’re not.
Cruelty wrapped in politeness is still cruelty. Just because it’s subtle or strategic doesn’t make it any less harmful.
2. Document Everything
If this person is undermining you—through backhanded emails, sabotaged work, or private put-downs—keep a record. Document the date, time, what was said or done, and who was present.
This isn’t about revenge. It’s about protection. If things escalate or you need to report their behavior, you’ll have a factual trail to back you up.
If you’re in a volunteer setting, this becomes even more critical since there’s likely no formal “manager” to whom you can report the behavior. The documentation will be your safeguard if things get worse and you need to speak up or step away.
Keep your notes objective, clear, and professional.
3. Don’t Take the Bait
People like this often thrive on reaction. They want you to look defensive or unstable in front of others—so they can keep their halo while you look like the problem.
Here’s your mantra:
“I will not be pulled into their drama.”
Stay calm. Stay factual. Don’t try to expose them in the heat of the moment. It won’t work—and it may backfire.
Your strength lies in your composure.
4. Set Boundaries Without Playing Their Game
You don’t need to be best friends. You don’t even need to pretend everything is fine. But you can keep your communication:
Professional
Short
Clear
Polite, but firm
Examples:
“Let’s stick to the agenda.”
“I’ll follow up by email.”
“I’d prefer to keep this in writing.”
Distance doesn’t mean weakness—it means you’re choosing not to engage on their toxic terms.
In a volunteer setting, where there might not be a direct superior to manage dynamics, boundary-setting becomes even more essential. Be polite, but don’t let anyone trample on your time, energy, or respect.
5. Find Allies—Quietly
You’re probably not the only person who’s noticed this behavior. Often, people like Beatrice have a pattern. Be observant. Over time, others may start to see the cracks in the façade.
Build relationships with coworkers or fellow volunteers who are emotionally safe. You don’t need to gossip or complain—just surround yourself with people who energize you, not drain you.
Having even one ally can make a toxic environment feel survivable.
In a volunteer role, allies may not always be obvious—so make sure to form a quiet, supportive network with others who value respect and positivity. They can help you regain perspective, especially if there's no official HR or manager to back you up.
6. Talk to HR, or Speak to Leadership (When It’s Time)
If the behavior becomes unbearable or affects your ability to do your job, it’s appropriate to escalate—especially if it crosses into bullying, harassment, or targeted sabotage.
When you do, be calm, specific, and prepared with documentation. Stick to facts, not feelings:
“On X date, she said Y.”
“This has affected Z project.”
“I’d like to find a way to create a healthier work environment.”
In an office setting, there are clear channels for escalation—like HR or your manager. However, in a volunteer situation, things may not be as straightforward. You might not have formal leadership to report to, or the board may be made up of volunteers who are trying to balance their commitment with their personal lives.
In this case, consider finding an appropriate way to express your concerns. It might be more about having a direct conversation with the person in charge, whether that’s a fellow board member, the group’s president, or a trusted advisor. If you’re in a volunteer role without an official manager, this step is about finding leadership that can create a safe, productive space for everyone.
7. Care for Your Mental Health
Working with someone who plays mind games is emotionally draining. It can lead to burnout, self-doubt, and even depression.
Make sure you’re regularly:
Venting to someone safe (friend, therapist, coach)
Taking breaks from work when needed
Reminding yourself: This is not about me. This is about her.
You don’t need to internalize Beatrice’s cruelty to be professional. You can stay kind without being a doormat.
In a volunteer setting, where the stakes may feel different, it’s even easier to overlook your own well-being. But the same rules apply: Your mental health matters just as much as any project or cause you’re working on. Protect your peace first, and everything else will fall into place.
8. When They Say, “Well, That’s Just Beatrice…”
One of the most demoralizing things you can hear when you speak up about this kind of behavior is:
“Oh, that’s just Beatrice being Beatrice.”
This phrase might sound harmless, even dismissively humorous—but it’s actually a subtle form of gaslighting. It tells you that Beatrice’s behavior is somehow normal, inevitable, or even your problem for not being able to handle it.
Here’s the truth:
When a workplace or volunteer organization excuses someone’s poor behavior with a shrug, they’re silently telling everyone else to just deal with it.
You don’t have to. You shouldn't have to.
“Yes, that’s just Beatrice” might explain her behavior, but it does not excuse it—and it certainly doesn't mean you need to absorb it. You have every right to expect professionalism, mutual respect, and a safe environment—whether it’s a corporate office or a volunteer organization.
And if leadership is brushing off real concerns with clichés and eye-rolls? That’s not just a Beatrice problem. That’s a culture problem. Whether it’s at work or in a volunteer capacity, toxic behavior shouldn’t be tolerated just because “it’s always been like that.”
9. When Volunteering on Boards or Nonprofits, Don’t Let This Behavior Sneak In
Sometimes, Beatrice-like behavior doesn’t just happen in the office. Whether you're serving on a nonprofit board, volunteering for a community organization, or working with a volunteer team, toxic behavior can creep in there too.
People like Beatrice may use their charm to climb the social ladder in the volunteer world, where their toxic tendencies often get overlooked. "Oh, that's just Beatrice" may be uttered by board members or fellow volunteers who, unwilling to rock the boat, let her cruelty slide.
But here's the deal: whether you're in a corporate job or volunteering for a cause you care about, you still deserve respect.
If you find yourself working with someone who consistently undermines you, creates a toxic dynamic, or disrupts your mental peace, you have the right to:
Speak up about the behavior
Set clear boundaries
Find supportive allies within the group
Protect your energy, even in a volunteer role
Volunteer positions can be just as emotionally taxing as paid roles, so don’t let anyone, even in the name of "good causes," treat you as if your needs don’t matter.
Final Thoughts: Protect Your Peace, Not Their Image
Dealing with a two-faced coworker or volunteer teammate is like walking through a maze of fake smiles and sharp edges. It’s exhausting. But it’s survivable—especially when you stand in your truth, stay grounded, and stop trying to win someone over who’s committed to misunderstanding you.
You don’t have to play her game. You don’t have to fix her.
You just have to protect your peace, do your job well, and hold your head high.
And remember: the people who matter most will eventually see what’s real.
Happy Thursday all,
-srt
P.S. Whether you're dealing with "Beatrice" in the office or in a volunteer setting, protecting your peace and maintaining boundaries is essential. If you're unsure how to handle a specific situation or need help drafting a professional boundary email, I’m here to help. Don’t let anyone’s toxic behavior derail your success
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