The Toxic Trap of Triangulation: Why It Kills Trust and Breaks Teams Apart

In the intricate web of human relationships, both personal and professional, one behavior quietly erodes trust, destroys morale, and fragments teams: triangulation. While the term may sound clinical, its impact is far from abstract. Triangulation is the act of involving a third party in a conflict or issue between two people, often as a way to avoid direct confrontation or accountability.

If left unchecked, triangulation can undermine the foundation of any team. Here’s how it works, why it’s so harmful, and how to address it.

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation occurs when Person A, instead of addressing an issue directly with Person B, pulls in Person C as a go-between or ally. It might look like venting to a coworker about another teammate instead of discussing the issue with that teammate directly. It might also involve escalating a problem to leadership without first seeking resolution with the involved party.

While it may seem harmless—after all, seeking validation or advice feels natural—triangulation creates unnecessary complexity and conflict.

Why Triangulation Kills Trust

1. Erodes Psychological Safety
   Teams thrive on open communication and psychological safety—the belief that one can speak openly without fear of ridicule or backlash. Triangulation signals to others that problems won’t be handled with integrity, making people hesitant to speak up.

2. Fuels Gossip and Distrust
   When issues are funneled through third parties, they often morph into gossip. People begin to wonder: What’s being said about me behind my back? This undermines trust not just between the original parties, but across the entire team.

3. Blocks Conflict Resolution
   Healthy teams embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth. Triangulation short-circuits this process, turning productive conflict into festering resentment. Problems linger unresolved, and relationships deteriorate.

4. Creates Sides and Cliques
   Triangulation often leads to "us vs. them" dynamics, where people align with one party or another. This fractures the team into factions, eroding collaboration and unity.

How to Break the Triangulation Cycle

1. Encourage Direct Communication
   Foster a culture where addressing issues head-on is not just encouraged, but expected. Provide training on giving and receiving feedback to empower your team with the tools they need for productive conversations.

2. Model Healthy Conflict Resolution
   Leaders set the tone for how conflict is managed. Avoid becoming the third point in a triangle by asking, “Have you spoken with them about this directly?” and redirecting conversations back to the source of the issue.

3. Build Accountability
   Accountability is the antidote to triangulation. Teams must hold one another responsible for addressing problems transparently. This includes creating safe spaces for dialogue and establishing clear expectations for behavior.

4. Use Mediation Wisely
   Mediation should be a last resort, not the first step. When it’s needed, approach it with neutrality and focus on collaboration, not blame.

The Costs of Allowing Triangulation

Triangulation isn’t just a communication breakdown—it’s a cultural issue. It drives talented people to disengage, lowers productivity, and chips away at the team’s sense of purpose. Over time, its effects are cumulative and toxic, creating a workplace where people feel isolated and undervalued.

Triangulation Has No Place on Winning Teams

Strong teams are built on trust, direct communication, and a shared commitment to solving problems together. When triangulation creeps in, it acts as a silent saboteur, dismantling the bonds that hold teams together.

By addressing triangulation head-on, leaders can cultivate an environment where trust flourishes, accountability is the norm, and teams work cohesively toward shared goals.

In the end, the key to breaking the triangulation trap is simple: say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. Directness isn’t just the antidote to triangulation—it’s the foundation of trust.

"If Better is Possible, Good is Not Enough" - Embracing a Growth Mindset

Happy Thursday!!!

There's a thought-provoking truth in the quote, “Always remember — if better is possible, good is not enough.” Benjamin Franklin's words capture the essence of striving beyond our comfort zones, beyond settling for "good enough." Today, this mindset is more relevant than ever. By aiming for "better" rather than just "good," we open ourselves to growth, resilience, and, ultimately, excellence.

In many areas of life, it's tempting to believe that once something is working “well enough,” we can coast. But while "good" is comfortable, it can often be the enemy of "great." By pausing our progress at "good enough," we may miss out on discovering untapped strengths, developing valuable skills, or realizing our full potential. When we believe that better is possible, we embrace a mindset of continuous improvement—a growth mindset that challenges us to elevate our own standards.

Why Stop at Good?

There’s a risk in settling for just "good." A project completed to a passable level might work, but will it impress? A job well done might be appreciated, but could it inspire? Daniels' quote invites us to consider these questions and reframe our goals. When we aim higher, we not only develop ourselves but also have a greater impact on the people and projects around us.

For example, in the workplace, a project completed with excellence not only builds personal pride but also contributes to the success of the team and the organization. In relationships, striving to be a better listener or a more supportive friend brings deeper connections and understanding. And in personal development, pushing ourselves to keep learning and growing helps us become more resilient, adaptable, and fulfilled.

The Power of Small, Consistent Steps

The pursuit of “better” isn’t about perfection. It’s about incremental progress. Small, consistent efforts compound over time. By aiming just a bit higher each time, we can improve without feeling overwhelmed. This approach allows for gradual yet meaningful change, ultimately pushing us closer to our best selves.

Imagine if, with each project or goal, you asked, “What can I do just a bit better?” This small shift in perspective can lead to continuous, manageable progress—whether it’s taking a few extra minutes to double-check your work, learning a new skill to enhance your project, or taking the time to improve communication in a relationship.

Embracing a "Better is Possible" Mindset in Daily Life

To live by this quote, consider these practical steps:

1. Set Stretch Goals: Identify areas in your life where you’re doing well but could challenge yourself to do even better. Whether it’s personal health, career ambitions, or skills development, stretch goals keep us moving forward.
2. Seek Feedback: Often, we’re unaware of our blind spots. Constructive feedback can help us see opportunities for improvement and achieve a level beyond what we thought was possible.
3. Learn Something New Regularly: Continuous learning keeps us adaptable and open to better ways of doing things. Whether through books, podcasts, courses, or conversations with others, new knowledge can help us improve.
4. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection: Pursuing “better” doesn’t mean beating ourselves up over every mistake. Celebrate the progress you make along the way, recognizing that even small steps add up.

Turning "Good Enough" into "Better Than Ever"

If better is possible, why settle? When we aim for more than just “good enough,” we start to notice the little ways in which we can improve each day. Over time, those small improvements shape us into better versions of ourselves, leading to a more fulfilled and accomplished life.

Let Euran S. Daniels’ words inspire you to go beyond good. Embrace the potential for better in every aspect of your life—and watch as you grow in ways you may have never expected.

Be brilliant,

-srt

Using the Fist of Five for Collaborative Decision-Making

Decision-making in professional or educational environments often requires balancing diverse perspectives while maintaining momentum. The Fist of Five technique offers a simple yet effective way to gauge consensus, foster engagement, and ensure every voice is heard. Whether you're leading a team meeting or facilitating a classroom discussion, this method can streamline the decision-making process while encouraging thoughtful participation.

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What is the Fist of Five?

The Fist of Five is a voting tool where participants rate their level of agreement or confidence in a proposal by raising fingers to represent their stance:

• 0 (Fist): Strongly disagree or oppose.
• 1: Serious concerns or significant reservations.
• 2: Hesitant but willing to discuss further.
• 3: Neutral or minimally supportive.
• 4: Supportive with minor reservations.
• 5: Fully supportive and enthusiastic.

This approach provides a visual snapshot of group alignment, paving the way for effective discussions and informed decisions.

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When to Use the Fist of Five

In a Professional Setting:

• Project Teams: To evaluate readiness for a new initiative, prioritize tasks, or align on next steps during meetings.
• Team Alignment: To gauge buy-in on strategies, policies, or workflow changes.
• Performance Reviews: To decide on goals or areas of focus for individual or team development.

In a Classroom Setting:

• Group Projects: To determine project direction, divide responsibilities, or agree on deadlines.
• Lesson Discussions: To assess understanding or consensus on concepts or topics.
• Classroom Management: To decide on classroom policies or approaches collaboratively.

How to Use the Fist of Five

1. Introduce the Proposal:
   Clearly present the decision, idea, or topic under consideration. Ensure all participants understand the context and implications.

2. Ask for Votes:
   Request each participant to raise their hand, showing 0 to 5 fingers to indicate their level of agreement.

3. Interpret Results:

   • If most participants show 4 or 5, there’s strong consensus, and you can move forward.
   • If votes are 3 or below, pause to discuss and address concerns.
   • If any participants show 0 or 1, consider revisiting the proposal or exploring alternatives.

4. Facilitate Discussion:

   • Ask those with lower scores to share their concerns.
   • Encourage constructive dialogue to address objections or refine the proposal.

5. Reassess and Act:
   After the discussion, repeat the vote to check for alignment. If consensus is achieved, document the decision and outline next steps.

Why Use the Fist of Five?

• Encourages Inclusive Participation: Ensures that everyone, from extroverts to introverts, can express their perspective.
• Fosters Collaboration: Surfaces divergent views early, promoting a culture of healthy debate and mutual understanding.
• Builds Confidence in Decisions: Reduces the likelihood of unvoiced dissent, ensuring stronger commitment to outcomes.
• Saves Time: Quickly identifies areas of alignment or contention, streamlining the decision-making process.

Best Practices

• Establish Psychological Safety: Create an environment where participants feel comfortable expressing dissent without fear of judgment.
• Clarify Expectations: Ensure everyone understands the voting scale to maintain consistency.
• Focus on the “Why”: When discussing lower scores, emphasize understanding the underlying concerns rather than pushing for agreement.
• Revisit as Needed: Sometimes, decisions require multiple rounds of discussion and refinement—be patient and thorough.

Example in Action

Professional Setting:
A project team is debating whether to adopt a new software tool. Votes show mixed results:

• 3 team members vote 5 (full support).
• 2 vote 3 (neutral).
• 1 votes 1 (serious concerns).

Discussion reveals that the low vote stems from the tool’s compatibility with an existing system. The team explores solutions, such as integrations or alternative tools, and re-votes, ultimately achieving unanimous agreement at 4 or 5.

Classroom Setting:
Students working on a group project vote on their preferred topic:

• Some raise 5 fingers (excited about the topic).
• Others raise 2 or 3 fingers (uncertain).

The instructor facilitates a discussion to address concerns, ensuring the selected topic is one the group can enthusiastically support while accommodating differing viewpoints.

The Impact of the Fist of Five

By incorporating the Fist of Five into your professional or educational environment, you’ll foster a culture of collaboration, transparency, and shared responsibility. This simple yet effective tool empowers teams and students alike to make decisions that everyone can stand behind, enhancing both engagement and outcomes.

Try it in your next meeting or class session—you might be surprised by the clarity and alignment it brings!

Happy Thursday all,

-srt

The Anatomy of Peace: Creating Harmony in a World of Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but its resolution lies not in eliminating disagreements but in changing the way we approach them. This profound concept lies at the heart of The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute, a transformative guide that explores how individuals and organizations can foster harmony by addressing the root causes of conflict.

Today's Thursday Thoughts delves into the core principles of the book, illustrating how its teachings can help us navigate personal and professional relationships with greater empathy, understanding, and peace.

Understanding the Core Message

At its essence, The Anatomy of Peace teaches that conflict stems less from external circumstances and more from our internal state—how we see and treat others. The book distinguishes between two mindsets:

1. A Heart at Peace: Viewing others as people, recognizing their humanity, needs, and challenges.
2. A Heart at War: Seeing others as obstacles, threats, or tools to serve our own purposes.

When we operate with a "heart at war," we dehumanize others, which exacerbates conflict. Shifting to a "heart at peace" enables us to approach others with empathy and understanding, paving the way for genuine resolution.

The Boxes of Self-Deception

A central metaphor in the book is the concept of being "in the box." When we are in the box, we distort reality to justify our actions or attitudes. For example:

• Better-Than Box: Viewing oneself as superior, leading to arrogance and judgment.
• Worse-Than Box: Seeing oneself as inferior, fostering resentment or self-pity.
• I-Deserve Box: Believing one is entitled, resulting in entitlement and selfishness.
• Need-to-Be-Seen-As Box: Striving for approval, leading to insecurity and inauthenticity.

These boxes trap us in a cycle of self-deception, preventing us from truly connecting with others.

The Path to Peace

The book outlines a structured approach to achieving peace, emphasizing personal accountability and relationship repair. Here’s how we can move toward a "heart at peace":

1. Look for the Humanity in Others
   Recognize that others have their own fears, desires, and challenges. Treat them as individuals, not as caricatures based on assumptions.

2. Own Your Contribution to Conflict
   Instead of blaming others, reflect on how your actions, attitudes, or justifications may be fueling the situation.

3. Listen and Validate
   Make a genuine effort to understand others' perspectives without judgment. Listening fosters trust and defuses tension.

4. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
   Shift the conversation from "who’s at fault" to "how can we move forward together?"

5. Act with Empathy
   Small gestures of understanding and kindness can dissolve barriers and rebuild relationships.

Applications in Professional and Personal Life

1. In the Workplace
   A "heart at peace" can transform team dynamics. Leaders who acknowledge employees as individuals with unique needs and strengths foster collaboration, innovation, and loyalty. Resolving workplace conflicts with empathy and accountability prevents toxic environments and enhances productivity.

2. In Families
   Whether it’s a strained parent-child relationship or spousal disagreements, adopting a "heart at peace" can rebuild trust and strengthen bonds. Seeing loved ones as people with their own struggles allows for patience and understanding during conflicts.

3. In Society
   In a polarized world, The Anatomy of Peace reminds us that empathy and mutual respect are key to bridging divides. By stepping out of our boxes, we can engage in meaningful dialogue and create communities rooted in cooperation.

Why It Matters

The teachings of The Anatomy of Peace challenge us to look inward and acknowledge the role we play in perpetuating conflict. It’s a call to take responsibility for our actions and adopt a mindset of empathy and understanding. By transforming our hearts, we can transform our relationships—and by transforming our relationships, we can transform the world.

In the words of the Arbinger Institute: "Peace isn’t merely the absence of conflict; it’s the presence of understanding." When we embrace this truth, we unlock the power to create harmony in our lives and beyond.

Are you ready to put your heart at peace? Start by stepping out of your box and seeing others as they truly are: people. 

Struggling with this concept? Let's set up a coaching session to walk through application using real world scenarios.  

Happy Thursday all,

-srt