When the Fire Isn’t Yours to Put Out: Dealing with Misdirected Rage and Protecting Your Sanity

We’ve all been there...caught in the crossfire of someone else’s anger that has nothing to do with us. Maybe it’s a partner snapping after a long day, a coworker venting frustration in your direction, or a friend lashing out when they’re really upset about something else entirely.

When rage is misdirected, it can feel personal, confusing, and even a little crazy-making. But here’s the truth: just because someone throws fire your way doesn’t mean you have to catch it.

What Is Misdirected Rage?

Misdirected rage happens when someone takes out their anger or frustration on an innocent party usually because the real source of their anger feels too risky, complicated, or buried to confront directly. It’s often unconscious. But just because they don’t mean to direct their fire at you doesn’t mean it’s okay—or that you have to absorb it.

The Emotional Toll

Being on the receiving end of misdirected anger can:

• Damage your self-esteem
• Leave you feeling confused or guilty for no reason
• Trigger your own anxiety or anger
• Undermine your trust in the relationship

Which is why it’s so important to respond with awareness and boundaries—not reaction.

How to Protect Yourself and Keep Your Sanity

1. Recognize It’s Not About You

First and foremost: Don’t take it personally. It may feel personal—especially if it’s directed at you—but misdirected rage is usually about what’s going on inside them, not something you did. Remind yourself: “This isn’t mine.”

2. Pause Before Responding

When someone lashes out, your instinct might be to defend yourself or snap back. Try to pause instead. Take a breath. Step back emotionally, and assess: “Is this really about me?”

Reacting with equal anger often just escalates the situation and drains your energy.

3. Set Firm Boundaries

You are not a punching bag, emotional or otherwise. It’s okay to say:

• “I can see you’re upset, but I’m not okay with being spoken to this way.”
• “I’m happy to talk when you’re calm, but I’m stepping away for now.”
• “I want to support you, but I won’t absorb your anger.”

Boundaries are not punishments—they are protection. They create space for mutual respect.

4. Don’t Try to Fix Them

You may want to soothe them, reason with them, or “be the bigger person” by staying silent. But enabling bad behavior doesn’t help them grow, it just teaches them that it’s okay to treat you this way.

You are responsible for your response, not their emotions.

5. Create Emotional Distance if Needed

If the misdirected rage is frequent or intense, you may need to create more space:

• Limit time with the person
• Avoid triggering topics (if known)
• Keep conversations surface-level for your own safety

Protecting your peace doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you strong.

6. Debrief with Someone Safe

Being on the receiving end of someone’s misplaced anger can shake you up. Talk to a friend, therapist, or journal your thoughts. Getting it out of your head helps you process and regain your grounding.

7. Know When to Walk Away

If misdirected rage becomes a pattern, if it's abusive, or if your boundaries are continuously disrespected, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Love, loyalty, or history are not good enough reasons to stay in a situation that chips away at your well-being.

Protect YOUR Peace

You are not responsible for other people’s unresolved pain, unprocessed anger, or emotional outbursts. Being a compassionate person doesn’t mean being a sponge for someone else’s fury.

Protecting your peace is not weakness, it’s wisdom. You can care about someone and still refuse to be collateral damage in their emotional storm. Let them deal with their fire; you don’t have to burn to prove you love them.

Happy Thursday lovelies,

-srt

P.S. If you’re dealing with someone whose anger feels unpredictable or overwhelming, and you're not sure how to protect yourself without feeling guilty, I can help you create a clear boundary plan or communication script. Just say the word.

#EmotionalIntelligence #Boundaries #ProtectYourPeace #RespondDontReact #ConflictResolution #SelfAwareness #WorkplaceWellness #ToxicBehavior #MentalWellness #HealthyBoundaries #ReaCoaching&Consulting

The CALM Technique: A Practical Tool for Handling Difficult Conversations with Grace

We’ve all been there...

You’re in a meeting or a one-on-one conversation, and tension suddenly spikes.    Voices raise. Words sting. You feel your body tighten, your pulse race, and your clarity fade.

In these moments, how you respond matters just as much, if not more, than what you say.

That’s where the CALM Technique comes in.

This simple, powerful method helps you de-escalate emotionally charged interactions and communicate with confidence, even under pressure.

What Is the CALM Technique?

CALM is an acronym that stands for:

• C - Center Yourself
• A - Acknowledge Without Agreeing
• L - Limit the Discussion to the Issue at Hand
• M - Move Forward Mindfully

Whether you're dealing with a defensive coworker, a confrontational board member, or a heated email thread, CALM helps you hold your ground without losing your cool.

Let’s break it down.

1. C - Center Yourself

Before responding, pause.
Take a breath.
Get grounded.

In a high-stress moment, your nervous system may go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Centering yourself is about disrupting that automatic reaction so you can choose a thoughtful response instead.

How to center yourself in the moment:

• Inhale slowly through your nose, exhale through your mouth.
• Plant your feet on the ground. Feel the chair beneath you.
• Internally say: “I’m safe. I can handle this.” Or my personal favorite, "I can do hard things."  (Thank you Glennon Doyle)

This pause gives you the power to respond, not react.

2. A - Acknowledge Without Agreeing

Acknowledging someone’s emotion or point of view doesn’t mean you agree with them. It means you're signaling that you're listening and that’s often enough to reduce defensiveness.

Examples:

• “I can see this is important to you.”
• “It sounds like you’ve been frustrated by this.”
• “I hear you.”

When people feel seen, they stop shouting to be heard.

This step isn’t about validating a toxic behavior, it’s about lowering the emotional temperature, so dialogue becomes possible.

3. L - Limit the Discussion to the Issue at Hand

In tense moments, conversations can spiral quickly. Suddenly you’re discussing everything that’s ever gone wrong, from the current disagreement to that email from three months ago.

CALM reminds you to stay on topic.

Try saying:

• “Let’s focus on this specific issue for now.”
• “I want to make sure we address what’s happening today.”
• “That’s important too ... let’s come back to that once we resolve this.”

By keeping the conversation focused, you create boundaries around the issue and protect the discussion from becoming overwhelming or unproductive.

4. M - Move Forward Mindfully

Once things are calmer, focus on progress. What’s the next right step?

Mindful movement forward doesn’t mean rushing to resolution or pretending everything’s fine. It means intentionally choosing your next move from a place of clarity—not emotion.

Ask yourself:

• “What outcome do I want from this?”
• “What’s one thing we can do next?”
• “What’s the most respectful, direct path forward?”

Mindfulness is about staying present, intentional, and values-aligned—even when others aren’t.

Why CALM Works

Because it’s not about controlling the other person, it’s about controlling yourself.

Tense interactions can trigger our ego, fear, or the desire to "win" the argument. But CALM shifts the focus inward. It gives you the tools to:

• Stay composed
• Speak clearly
• Protect your peace
• Lead with integrity

And when you stay calm, you create space for others to meet you there, too.

Final Thoughts

Difficult conversations are a part of life especially in leadership, team dynamics, or community work.

But conflict doesn’t have to mean chaos.

Next time you feel the tension rising, take a breath and try the CALM technique. You’ll be surprised how quickly things shift when you lead with clarity instead of combativeness.

Remember:  You don’t need to match someone’s intensity to make your point.

Stay CALM.  Stay grounded.  Speak with intention.

Happy Thursday Lovelies,

-srt 

P.S. Want a printable CALM cheat sheet for your desk or team? Let me know, I’m happy to share one!

#EmotionalIntelligence #ConflictResolution #LeadershipTools #CommunicationSkills #ProfessionalDevelopment #CALMTechnique #WorkplaceWellness #ReaCoaching&Consulting

Life After Corporate America: Redefining Purpose in a New Chapter

Seven months ago, I walked away from Corporate America and into retirement, or so I thought. I promised myself I would finally take it easy. No more back-to-back meetings, constant deadlines, or endless flights. Just time to breathe.

But here’s the truth, I’ve never been very good at “taking it easy.” What I’ve discovered is that retirement isn’t about slowing down, it’s about redirecting energy into the things that light you up and give life meaning.

Teaching and Shaping the Next Generation

One of the most rewarding surprises has been stepping into higher education. I teach at William Jessup University (online, undergraduate, and graduate courses) within the School of Business. Preparing students for their careers, whether in the private or public sector, reminds me that leadership isn’t just about what we achieve ourselves, but how we prepare others to thrive. Watching students grow in confidence and competence has been a gift.

What makes this chapter even more meaningful is that I can bring my full self to work. At Jessup, that means being able to openly live my faith, to pray with and for people, to share my testimony, and to create space for authentic connection. For the first time in my career, I feel I can be completely myself, and that authenticity has been both freeing and fulfilling.

Life on the Property, Goose Meets Duck

Not all my adventures have been in the classroom. Last time I shared that we hatched a goose, CaliGrl. Well, she’s grown into her own personality and still rules the property. Recently, Daisy the rescued mallard arrived, and much to CaliGrl’s dismay (or delight), Daisy has decided she’s found her new best friend.

And they’re not alone. Forty-two chickens, twenty-eight guinea fowl, twenty-two quails, a goose, and a duck make for some “fowl weathered” friends who keep us busy with daily care. Add to that twenty fruit trees that demand attention but reward us with jams, jellies, and syrup, and a garden that produces year-round, and it’s safe to say that life on the property is full, fruitful, and anything but quiet.

Life lessons come from unexpected places, and this lively mix of animals and harvest reminds me daily of resilience, consistency, and the joy of reaping what you sow.

Just as the land requires daily tending and rewards us with abundance, life at home has entered a new season too.

Becoming an Empty Nester

As much as the property keeps us busy, the house feels different these days. Son number three recently “flew the coop,” officially making us empty nesters. Each of my boys is finding his own path, and I couldn’t be prouder. One son is moving to the University of Oregon to pursue his doctorate, another will be graduating this fall, and the youngest is brewing up coffees as he works toward joining the fire service.

Watching them chase their dreams has been both bittersweet and inspiring, a reminder that just like the seasons on our property, life keeps moving forward, and each stage brings its own growth and reward.

Leading and Serving with Purpose

Another passion of mine has always been service. I am humbled to be serving my second and final term as President of Soroptimist International of Lincoln. Our mission, helping women and girls dream big, keeps me grounded in what truly matters. Empowerment begins with opportunity, and it’s a privilege to help create those opportunities. If you live in the Lincoln area and want to know more about being a Soroptimist, shoot me an email at stacyreathomas@gmail.com.

I’ve also joined the board of a nonprofit focused on foster children (programs for all ages). This work is close to my heart, and I’ll share more in the months ahead. What I know already is that making a difference doesn’t require a corporate title, it requires commitment and compassion.

A New Venture, Rea’s Coaching and Consulting

Perhaps the most exciting step has been establishing my own company, Rea’s Coaching and Consulting. This new chapter allows me to pour years of experience into something deeply personal. Leadership, communication, and career development are more than professional skills, they are lifelines for growth, confidence, and impact. Guiding others through coaching feels less like work and more like purpose. And focusing on small to medium businesses, individually owned, melts my heart.

Admittedly, I have been slow on marketing and getting online, but know it is coming. In fact, I already have two clients! More to come here and a formal launch in the next few months.

The Lesson in All of This

Retirement doesn’t mean “the end.” It means choice. It’s the opportunity to design a chapter that reflects who you are, what you care about, and how you want to give back.

For me, it has meant stepping into roles that combine joy, challenge, service, and faith. I have learned that true fulfillment comes when we align our lives with our values and live authentically, not just in what we do, but in who we are. This season has also taught me that God doesn’t waste experiences. Every chapter, from Corporate America to classrooms and chicken coops, has prepared me for what’s next.

So, if you’re standing at the edge of retirement (or even just dreaming about it), I encourage you to see it not as closing a book, but as starting a new one. The title is yours to write, and when you write it with purpose, faith, and authenticity, it becomes a life well-lived.

What about you? What chapter are you ready to write? 

Happy Thursday all,

-srt

#Leadership #Coaching #CareerGrowth #FaithAtWork #WomenEmpowerment #Authenticity #LifeAfterCorporateAmerica #ReaCoaching&Consulting